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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

BREAKING: John McCain Exposes Himself at Town Hall Meeting

In a disgusting and shocking display sure to cause questions regarding the Senator's mental state as he prepares for a re-election fight, John McCain was seen exposing himself at a town hall meeting featuring him and fellow AZ Republican Senator Jeff Flake. According to bystanders, McCain had been behaving as though he was off his medications all through the meeting, erratically ranting about subjects ranging from the Ayatollah to Obama's arming of the Islamic State to keeping up with the Kardashians to why he(and neither John Lennon nor Paul McCartney) is, in fact, the Walrus. It was when he was fielded a question regarding his own seeming inability to vote against the wishes of defence contractors that he totally freaked out, shouting "Oh, you want MANHOOD? WELL THEN, I'LL SHOW YOU SOME MANHOOD." The Senator then reached into his pants and pulled out his member, not realizing until it was too late that there wasn't much to pull out. McCain promptly lost his balance and fell backwards onto his rear end, to the abject shock and horror of the crowd.

Senator Jeff Flake(R-AZ), who was sitting near McCain when the incident took place, gave his own observations on the incident: "I saw nothing. Really, I thought I saw him reaching into what I thought was his front pocket and pulling out what looked like a dog treat. Hey, there WERE pets in the crowd. Seeing pictures and news reports from the event was quite surreal and very confusing. I would never have expected this kind of press bias of an event as seemingly personal and sad as this one." Almost immediately after he offered his observations, his claims collapsed under considerable media cross-examination and #FlakeOut quickly became a top trender on Twitter as a result.

Almost immediately, Real estate magnate and leading 2016 GOP Presidential prospect Donald Trump added his own, ah, unique thoughts on the situation: "Who's to say that wasn't a decoy? Documentation, people! Personally, I blame Obama. That man will do ANYthing to distract us from his declaring martial law and cancelling elections in our country. SHAMEFUL!"

Vice President Joe Biden, who was sauntering back to the White House after a day of jet skiing in the Reflecting Pool at the Washington Monument, issued a brief statement on the matter of McCain: "When I told him to 'gird his loins,' I never thought he'd take it seriously. I was practically joking when I said that. You'd think he'd have figured that out, but I guess not. You have to admit, though--Pretty funny. I tried that with the wife of one of our freshman Senators, and all that got me was a rather surprisingly enthusiastic recommendation to Bellevue. Sigh, some people are just TOUCHY about these things."

Bill Clinton chimed in with his observations: "That's no way to pick up the ladies. Senator McCain needs to consult somebody who knows a thing or two about these matters." (*wink, wink*)

TMZ caught up with the Senator to ask him a few probing questions regarding recent events. On the events from earlier today: "Hey, you know, things happen. I need not remind you of that time one of your reporters got drunk, came onto me, and pounded on my office door until 4 in the morning. But, you know, I like to look on the bright side of things. That incident is the most 'action' I've personally either seen or felt since Vietnam, and it was quite a thrill. Who knows, maybe I should do a stripping routine at one of Washington DC's area night clubs." After the reporter begged him and pleaded with him to not go through with such behaviour, the Senator was asked about how things were going between him and Senator Lindsey Graham(R-SC) almost one year into their marriage. The Senator replied: "How does one sum up the best year of his life? I would say that it has been absolutely, positively splendiferous! How can it be explained any other way? Lindsey is the best thing that has ever happened to me, not counting, of course, being released from prison in Vietnam. He and I share similar views of the world, on music, and on fine dining. He also really knows how to love a man and make him feel young again, but I digress." When asked about his ex-wife Cindy, McCain replied "Oh, she's actually been very supportive of Lindsey and I in our relationship. This old man just couldn't deliver the goods, whether it was old age, the war wound down there, or whatever. I do know for a fact that she's seeing lots of other men. I hear Senator Tom Cotton(R-AR) gives her lemon butter baths in the Senate Bathroom Suite. She used to go out with Senator Cruz, but apparently ObamaCare's not the only thing he's flip-flopped on, if you get my drift."

"Poor old Chuck Schumer," McCain added before leaving for his Old Western-themed date night with Senator Graham. "He recently had the misfortune of walking in on them at 3 AM a few nights ago as they were trying to, you know, 'have children.' You'd think he would have learned what the 'Keep Out' sign meant, but I guess not."

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