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Thursday, February 19, 2015

Stone Me, I Must Be Dreaming: Why My New Idea for CNN Programming is a Sure Winner

Much speculation has abounded in recent days that CNN will hire Comedian Jon Stewart to fill the yet-to-be acceptably filled 9 PM time slot, which has been in total disarray since Piers Morgan was sacked in 2013. Why they don't hire Morgan back on I don't know, but I digress. As you may well have heard, Stewart announced late last week that he is departing Comedy Central's "The Daily Show." In an era where the 'trusted' likes of Brian Williams and Dan Rather are lying to you through their teeth, comedians have had the thankless task reporting the news to you with their humourous, slightly(or not-so-slightly) twisted spin on things. But why Stewart, and why on CNN? It seems to me that he would be better suited for, if we're going to go the cable news route, MSNBC, where he can replace Chris Matthews' second, needless, 7 PM hour. Or maybe even that comically, misleadingly titled network called 'Headline News.' Now to CNN's quandary. If they wanted to make a more even schedule, they would consider replacing Wolf Blitzer's(who I hear is on his way out, anyway) needless second, 6 PM hour. They used to have, from 6:30-7 PM, a modernized re-constitution of "Crossfire," which was some comedy in its own right. So what I'm thinking is two hosts whose main purpose it is to crack jokes at news stories, politicians, celebrities, fellow on-air talent, and even themselves. This is so genius I don't know why I didn't think of this one earlier. Really, I ought to just smack myself. As for the hosts, well, I cannot think of a better pairing than...


Donald Trump, host of "The Apprentice" and former host of "Saturday Night Live."

AAAAAANNNDD...


Andrew Dice Clay, comic impresario of "Nursery Rhymes" fame.

The Donald & The Dice Man---Comic duo for the ages?? You decide.

While ratings have improved in recent months, CNN has still needed a ratings kick in the ass for a good long while now, and what better an idea than this one to get those ratings up(Seriously, how's over-exposing The Blitz workin' out for you?). Two eminent, revered entities in their fields going at it on national television, and at dinner time, no less. How can you possibly lose(though, knowing CNN, they just might find a way)? Now there's the matter of show titles. Every good show(and this one's a born classic) has to have a good title, am I right? There may well be better show title ideas out there, but these which I came up with are, IMO, the very best:

1. Dice Trump
2. CNN Newsroom with Donald Trump & Andrew Dice Clay
3. Donald & Dice(and everything nice)
4. In the Ring with the Donald and the Dice Man

Ideal theme music: Dee Dee King's "The Crusher."(works best with the #1, #3, and #4 title ideas--CNN Newsroom is its own separate entity)

And let's just imagine, for a moment, the witty repartee that would ensue in such a dynamic:

Donald: "I'd HIRE her!"
Dice Man: "Yeah, I'd do her...for laffs. Ya know, as a little palate cleanser on my way to the big leagues."

Donald: "Wasn't that just the most biased, slanted, pathetic, awful interview you've ever seen, Dice Man?"
Dice Man: "With the way Andy's kissin' up to Obama, you have to wonder, and the way Obama smiled at him and laughed with him, jeez...Should we start calling Obama's place the "Ovarian Office"? I mean, with all the riotous sex those two fagalas are havin', you have to wonder, don't we, Donny?"
Donald: "Yes, I dare say we do."

Dice Man: "That Erin Burnett, she's a real hottie. Yeah, I'd take her out back for a little 'rendezvous with destiny.' That rich, white husband of hers ain't got nothin' on the Dice Man! Ow!"
Donald: "I gave that girl her big break. I made her what she is today. I'll take you out back and beat you like a little boy if I ever hear you say that again."
Dice Man: "Sheesh, what are ya, Donny, sleepin' with her?"
Donald: *wry facial expression*
Dice Man: "Donny and Erin sittin' in a tree..."

Dice Man: "I tell ya, Donny, this Miss America they got goin' here just ain't cuttin' it for me. Not only is my cheese not whizzin', but she also looks and walks like a MAN! I mean, seriously, who runs this crap chute?"
Donald: "I do, Dice Man."
Dice Man: "Really!? Then why dont'cha try givin' us some sexier, more jigglesome broads. Ya know, somethin' I can get myself worked up over. Or how about ya start out by givin' us some REAL broads to look at?"
Donald: "Why, I oughta..."

Dice Man: "In the news today, an Oregon man was hospitalized after using too much hair-regrowth product. And here to talk about this is our resident hair growth expert Donny Trump. Hi, Donny!"
Donald: "Where do you of NO hair get off joking about MY hair?"
Dice Man: "I'll show ya REAL hair, Donny!"
*(Turns his back to the camera and drops his pants)*
Donald: "I'm...impressed."

Dice Man: "The President gave a news conference today...Say, Donny, weren't you gonna run for President last time, and the time before that?"
Donald: "I would have if those tabloid trash-talkers hadn't threatened to release pictures of my Grandson's circumcision. SAD!"
Dice Man: "LITTLE DONNY JUNIOR GOT SKINNY-DICKED!?"
Donald: "Yes, Dice." *scowls*

Donald: "I have HAD IT with your jokes about my hair and my manhood, Dicey! If I had run for and been elected President, carrying all 50 states, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd be making life MISERABLE for Kim Jong Un, China, the Islamic State, and Iran right now! But NO, I have to deal with all THIS bullshit!"
Dice Man: "Calm down, Donny! Don't flip a wig. All I said was it takes some serious nads to put yourself through the ringer the way these guys do."
Donald: "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
Dice Man: "LOOK OUT, HE'S GONNA BLOW!!!"
*The Donald plows into the Dice Man, in the process knocking CNN's cameras over, causing millions of televisions across America to go to black*
Erin Burnett: "Out front tonight, President Gilmore issues a press conference calling on Congress to pass a declaration of war against the Islamic State. Will they act on his request? Let's go out front!"

This is CNN? You bet!

A sure-fire ratings success, perhaps even netting ratings unseen since the Gulf War. CNN would be stupid to pocket veto(or otherwise veto) this idea. This, and not the third hour of Wolf Blitzer, is how you leave Fox Noise, MSNBC, Headline 'News,' and the major networks in the dust! News with a comic twist always wins with today's key demographics. Just ask Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Larry Wilmore, Bill Maher, and John Oliver. These comic paragons have made their livings on funnily reporting the news.

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