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Thursday, February 19, 2015

Stone Me, I Must Be Dreaming: Why My New Idea for CNN Programming is a Sure Winner

Much speculation has abounded in recent days that CNN will hire Comedian Jon Stewart to fill the yet-to-be acceptably filled 9 PM time slot, which has been in total disarray since Piers Morgan was sacked in 2013. Why they don't hire Morgan back on I don't know, but I digress. As you may well have heard, Stewart announced late last week that he is departing Comedy Central's "The Daily Show." In an era where the 'trusted' likes of Brian Williams and Dan Rather are lying to you through their teeth, comedians have had the thankless task reporting the news to you with their humourous, slightly(or not-so-slightly) twisted spin on things. But why Stewart, and why on CNN? It seems to me that he would be better suited for, if we're going to go the cable news route, MSNBC, where he can replace Chris Matthews' second, needless, 7 PM hour. Or maybe even that comically, misleadingly titled network called 'Headline News.' Now to CNN's quandary. If they wanted to make a more even schedule, they would consider replacing Wolf Blitzer's(who I hear is on his way out, anyway) needless second, 6 PM hour. They used to have, from 6:30-7 PM, a modernized re-constitution of "Crossfire," which was some comedy in its own right. So what I'm thinking is two hosts whose main purpose it is to crack jokes at news stories, politicians, celebrities, fellow on-air talent, and even themselves. This is so genius I don't know why I didn't think of this one earlier. Really, I ought to just smack myself. As for the hosts, well, I cannot think of a better pairing than...


Donald Trump, host of "The Apprentice" and former host of "Saturday Night Live."

AAAAAANNNDD...


Andrew Dice Clay, comic impresario of "Nursery Rhymes" fame.

The Donald & The Dice Man---Comic duo for the ages?? You decide.

While ratings have improved in recent months, CNN has still needed a ratings kick in the ass for a good long while now, and what better an idea than this one to get those ratings up(Seriously, how's over-exposing The Blitz workin' out for you?). Two eminent, revered entities in their fields going at it on national television, and at dinner time, no less. How can you possibly lose(though, knowing CNN, they just might find a way)? Now there's the matter of show titles. Every good show(and this one's a born classic) has to have a good title, am I right? There may well be better show title ideas out there, but these which I came up with are, IMO, the very best:

1. Dice Trump
2. CNN Newsroom with Donald Trump & Andrew Dice Clay
3. Donald & Dice(and everything nice)
4. In the Ring with the Donald and the Dice Man

Ideal theme music: Dee Dee King's "The Crusher."(works best with the #1, #3, and #4 title ideas--CNN Newsroom is its own separate entity)

And let's just imagine, for a moment, the witty repartee that would ensue in such a dynamic:

Donald: "I'd HIRE her!"
Dice Man: "Yeah, I'd do her...for laffs. Ya know, as a little palate cleanser on my way to the big leagues."

Donald: "Wasn't that just the most biased, slanted, pathetic, awful interview you've ever seen, Dice Man?"
Dice Man: "With the way Andy's kissin' up to Obama, you have to wonder, and the way Obama smiled at him and laughed with him, jeez...Should we start calling Obama's place the "Ovarian Office"? I mean, with all the riotous sex those two fagalas are havin', you have to wonder, don't we, Donny?"
Donald: "Yes, I dare say we do."

Dice Man: "That Erin Burnett, she's a real hottie. Yeah, I'd take her out back for a little 'rendezvous with destiny.' That rich, white husband of hers ain't got nothin' on the Dice Man! Ow!"
Donald: "I gave that girl her big break. I made her what she is today. I'll take you out back and beat you like a little boy if I ever hear you say that again."
Dice Man: "Sheesh, what are ya, Donny, sleepin' with her?"
Donald: *wry facial expression*
Dice Man: "Donny and Erin sittin' in a tree..."

Dice Man: "I tell ya, Donny, this Miss America they got goin' here just ain't cuttin' it for me. Not only is my cheese not whizzin', but she also looks and walks like a MAN! I mean, seriously, who runs this crap chute?"
Donald: "I do, Dice Man."
Dice Man: "Really!? Then why dont'cha try givin' us some sexier, more jigglesome broads. Ya know, somethin' I can get myself worked up over. Or how about ya start out by givin' us some REAL broads to look at?"
Donald: "Why, I oughta..."

Dice Man: "In the news today, an Oregon man was hospitalized after using too much hair-regrowth product. And here to talk about this is our resident hair growth expert Donny Trump. Hi, Donny!"
Donald: "Where do you of NO hair get off joking about MY hair?"
Dice Man: "I'll show ya REAL hair, Donny!"
*(Turns his back to the camera and drops his pants)*
Donald: "I'm...impressed."

Dice Man: "The President gave a news conference today...Say, Donny, weren't you gonna run for President last time, and the time before that?"
Donald: "I would have if those tabloid trash-talkers hadn't threatened to release pictures of my Grandson's circumcision. SAD!"
Dice Man: "LITTLE DONNY JUNIOR GOT SKINNY-DICKED!?"
Donald: "Yes, Dice." *scowls*

Donald: "I have HAD IT with your jokes about my hair and my manhood, Dicey! If I had run for and been elected President, carrying all 50 states, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd be making life MISERABLE for Kim Jong Un, China, the Islamic State, and Iran right now! But NO, I have to deal with all THIS bullshit!"
Dice Man: "Calm down, Donny! Don't flip a wig. All I said was it takes some serious nads to put yourself through the ringer the way these guys do."
Donald: "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
Dice Man: "LOOK OUT, HE'S GONNA BLOW!!!"
*The Donald plows into the Dice Man, in the process knocking CNN's cameras over, causing millions of televisions across America to go to black*
Erin Burnett: "Out front tonight, President Gilmore issues a press conference calling on Congress to pass a declaration of war against the Islamic State. Will they act on his request? Let's go out front!"

This is CNN? You bet!

A sure-fire ratings success, perhaps even netting ratings unseen since the Gulf War. CNN would be stupid to pocket veto(or otherwise veto) this idea. This, and not the third hour of Wolf Blitzer, is how you leave Fox Noise, MSNBC, Headline 'News,' and the major networks in the dust! News with a comic twist always wins with today's key demographics. Just ask Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Larry Wilmore, Bill Maher, and John Oliver. These comic paragons have made their livings on funnily reporting the news.

Your thoughts.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

NOVEL Idea--NBC Nightly News with Donald Trump?

With brickbats flying at Brian Williams over numerous allegations of his over-blowing stories on late night television, the time has come to consider a replacement for him in the event that he permanently steps down from the nightly news(as of this afternoon, he has temporarily stepped down). NBC News has a barn stable of talent who would be clamouring for such an opening as this one, but here's a question to ponder: Have any of these reporters really proven themselves to be anchor-material? Savannah Guthrie is nice to look at and she did all right interviewing the President, but I don't think she's ready for the big leagues. Matt Lauer is seen as too much of a cable news bad boy to be seriously considered for the Nightly News. Al Roker? Hoda Kotb? Please. Here's a novel idea: How about taking the host of one of the highest rated shows and one of the most visible faces on and of your network and put him in the anchor slot? He's a man who has a long history of showing fairness and balance in handling people, which would translate well in reporting the news and lending credibility to your network. Who is this man, you ask?


Donald J. Trump, Sr., host of NBC's "The Apprentice" and perhaps the ideal candidate for anchor of the NBC Nightly News?

Someone who has made the news for over a quarter-century really should be given a chance to report on it, especially a man of such journalistic and otherwise integrity as Mr. Trump. In his hosting duties on "The Apprentice," he has shown the ability to be fair and balanced in his decision making(Fox News could learn a thing or two from The Donald). He has had to deal with many of the big names from Hollywood and television on his show and in person(professionally & personally), which gives him a background in the entertainment side of things. His business dealings outside the network give him an edge over most others in domestic and world affairs(political and non). NBC could also use a man who bursts with personality and connects with the people(a quality lacking since Tom Brokaw exited stage left in December, 2004), and Donald Trump is nothing if not bursting with personality and richly and uniquely able to connect with the average American. Since he doesn't need the money(he can more than handle the pay cut), NBC News executives need to be prepared to give him anything he wants, even if it involves laying brick or doing roof work at one of his many mansions, hotels, and/or casinos.

If hired, transitioned, or whatnot, the Trump era at NBC Nightly News would be one for the history books for the way it re-defined the modern newscast and simultaneously the modern Presidential campaign & debate. He would be the first man to both run for President and host a major nightly network news program. In such a position, he could prosecute his Primary and his General Election case to the American people via newscast. He would not have to go down in the trenches and actually stump and greet people who may or may not actually end up voting for him, and he would be able to reach more people in that medium. He could interview the other candidates for President on any given night's airing. He could moderate the debates featuring the other candidates for President and grill them on their positions, consistent and /or evolved. No candidate could duck either an interview or a debate with him, lest they look as though they were hiding something. He could also, after the inevitably smashing electoral success, continue to anchor the Nightly News out of his executive residence in either the White House or, in the likelier scenario, out of Trump Tower in Downtown Manhattan, New York City, and, in doing so, pitch his legislative and executive goals to the public and give his critics a blasting the likes of which are unseen in the modern era of politics. The ratings would be HUGE!

Here's hoping that NBC is serious enough in their pursuit of new talent in the as of now prospective post-Williams era to take my idea into serious consideration...

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Thoughts on Mitt Romney and the Republican Race Going Forward


Last Friday morning, former Governor of Massachusetts, 2008 GOP Presidential Primary runner-up, and 2012 GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney stunned the political world by announcing that he would not be throwing his hat into the 2016 ring. The nomination had seemed his for the taking, what with his rocketing to the top of the pack upon his initial expressment of interest in the race, leading his closest opponent, Dr. Ben Carson, 2:1(20%-10%) in national polling. His folding, like his non-entrance before it, seriously shakes up an already stirred GOP field.

At this time, there is no clear front-runner in what looks to be even more of a clown-car fight than most see 2012 as being(it wasn't, but whatever). Former Florida Governor and political dynast Jeb Bush leads in Primary polling, but his lead is tepid, holding at 16%, less than Romney's 20% a few weeks ago and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's 25% in late 2013. Bringing up the rear are Christie and former Arkansas Governor, 2008 GOP Presidential Primary contender, and television and radio talk show host Mike Huckabee, plus such Conservative flash candidacies as Carson, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. This is the kind of weaksauce opposition Romney would have utterly obliterated on his way to the nomination, which leads this author to believe that there is something more to his decision to fold than just exhaustion and family concerns after a full decade of campaigning. The tenor of his announcement made it clear that he wants anybody but Jeb Bush to be the nominee, but who of the niche, uninspired field is there to stop him? Based on social networking posts made in the past few days, there can only be one man on Romney's mind who he would have taking the extraordinary step of deferring to in the hope of beating Bush...



Donald John Trump, Senior--Billionaire Real Estate tycoon, Chairman and namesake of Trump Enterprises, and perhaps the GOP's saviour in 2016?

Donald Trump is one of the most visible and revered men in business, in America, and in the world, which puts him in a unique position apart from any other prospective GOP candidate(especially more than, say, Jeb Bush). His is a name and brand that is regarded as embodying the very best of the American way. Donald Trump, as a man of business, has seen the world as few others have, and his positions and concerns about America are informed accordingly. His business trips to China have given him a unique perspective on not only the Communism-based Chinese economy, but also on matters pertaining to how the Chinese treat the workers who are only barely keeping their unsustainable economic train from de-railing. His dealings with foreign leaders on matters of business gives him insight into various free trade agreements and the positives and negatives that entail them. He has been very vocal about our pressing need to stamp out the scourge that is ISIS, al-Qaeda, and China. His leadership of one of the world's biggest and most recognized chains of resorts and casinos makes him more than qualified to be President, which is more than can be said for many of the candidates who comprise the present 2016 field. Also, having brought many children into this world, Trump knows the value and importance of protecting every human life from Liberal and Libertarian encroachments in the shape of a coat hanger.

Mr. Trump has made many previous noises about running for President, most notably in 1988, 2000, and 2012. However, every indication I have gotten from closely watching him this time around tells me that he is very serious in pursuing a bid. He has been going to key Primary states and giving speeches to packed venues and to riotous applause and acclamation. He has sat down with local and national television, radio, and print news stations for interviews pertaining to his views on key policy issues of the day, and in doing so becoming a lightning rod for controversy due to his characteristic, but needed, bluntness. The icing on the cake was a tweet he posted just after Romney folded: “Now that Mitt is gone, all we have to do is get Bush to drop out and Trump to run." Hmmmmm...

Trump has the visibility and the resources to clear the field of most comers, but one doesn't even need to use either of those as barometers of his ability to clear the field once he jumps in. Just look at the weak, flash-in-the-pan nature of all the other candidates considering a run. John McCain, even in his worst moments, could consistently put up better GOP Primary numbers than Jeb Bush can in his best moments. Chris Christie's too scandal tarred to be seriously considered as a nominee. Mike Huckabee wrote the foreword for Todd Akin's book, and, if nominated, would be just one foot-in-mouth moment away from political oblivion for both himself and his beloved party, not to mention that his having pardoned people who went on to kill police officers will take a none too small bite out of him(then again, who would notice if it did?). Marco Rubio's going nowhere--he's essentially just loitering on the 2016 scene. Everyone else is over-hyped, base Conservative wet dreams which will never happen in one million years. There's nobody who really inspires, or is even particularly inspired about running. When Trump inevitably takes the plunge, the likes of Bush, Ben Carson, Christie, Ted Cruz, Bobby Jindal, Rubio, and Scott Walker will soon be out of the race(their predictable protestations to the contrary notwithstanding--they may last a debate or, if they're masochistic enough, two before sulking off in total humiliation) and solidly in Trump's corner. Oh yeah, Huckabee and Paul might linger for a while. They'll always appeal to their niche audiences. Combined, they probably won't even get double digits in any Primary or Caucus against The Donald. In short, Trump's the only man who can unify both the establishment and the grassroots in their efforts to win back the White House. His General Election prospects will be discussed in a later posting.

So that's pretty much where things stand as of February 4, 2015, and given Trump's time proven brand-durability and his uniquely positive standing with the citizens of America and the world, such is not likely to change at any point between now and when the GOP Primary process is wrapped up in Spring, 2016. The only real contest regards who he will pick as his VP, which I will also detail in a later posting. The Democratic nominee(I don't care what ANYBODY says, it will not be Hillary Clinton. It remains to be seen if she even bothers with an almost certainly futile bid) is sure to be a nervous shambles as he prepares to go headlong into the buzzsaw known to one and all as 'The Donald.'